Easier said than done.

People told me that I'm a strong girl.A strong girl that can go through her troubles and problems. Well, am I?I may appear to look though from the outside, but deep down inside I know I'm not. I look like I'm coping with all the predicaments well, but actually I'm not. Just like anyone else, I have feelings.And my feelings is just as fragile as anyone else. I get hurt easily.

But I'll try my best to face it. I try my best to live again. To learn to live again.To see things in a positive way again, even when when all around me is so negative.It's easier said than done, I'm aware of that, but I'm taking one step at a time. Owh, I'll find something to do....I'll get by with a little help from my friends.

And there will also be time when I think about it and get all sad again, but there's always obstacle in everything. There's always bumps on the road, right??
Even if takes a billion years. Even if takes forever.I'll never be the same person that I was or am, but that's part of living I guess.The happenings around you make you be a better, if not, a worse person. Life itself is a lesson. You live and you learn. It's easier said than done, but I'll try my best.

"The best you can is good enough,"
Radiohead 'Optimistic'.

A thought in my head.

I think that you are the 'something good to die for'.

But now, are you?

Of Sting and Australian Idol.

Just now I watched Australian Idol where the bottom 3 had to perform again in front of the audience before the elimination. One of them is that former pop star, Thanh Bui who was singing Sting's 'Every breath you take'. I've known and liked this song a long time ago, way before P.Diddy(or whatever he is called nowadays) popularized the song by sampling it in his 'I'll be missing you' song. Engulfed with emotions for the past few days, I actually cried. Not because Thanh is probably the one who is voted out but it reminds me heavily of someone. My Abah.

When I was younger, my dad would often sing along or whistle to the song. In the car, when he's having his daily nescafe.....that's the only thing that I could remember about him, before he got ill. I can't remember now, how he was like any other father since he got sick. To tell you the truth, I used to fear him a lot. I was never close to him. He was too occupied with his business dealings...we rarely see each other.

Until he fell ill when I was 12 years old. I had to help my mum to take care of my dad since my mum has to work in order to make ends meet. He couldn't communicate properly, I couldn't understand what he is trying to say.But somehow, we grew emotionally attached.

We became close in some weird way. Maybe the 'Florence Nightingale' effect. Maybe.....

And when I heard the song just now, I missed him. Missed him so badly. Wishing my dad is here with me, sitting there at the corner even when we could go on for hours not talking to each other in the same room. I wish I could turn back the time.I wish I could have hugged him at the airport, something that is alien to my family. If only, if only.........

Abah, baby nak balik rumah..........

No particular reason for this post.

Been listening to James Morisson's 'Pieces don't fit anymore' lyrics.Like a lot.Just something that I want to post with no particular reason whatsoever.

I've been twisting and turning in a space that's too small

I've been drawing the line and watching it fall

You've been closing me in, closing the space in my heart

Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart

Well I can't explain why it's not enough

Cause I gave it all to you

And if you leave me now

Oh just leave me now

It's the better thing to do

It's time to surrender

It's been too long pretending

There's no use in trying

When the pieces don't fit anymore

You pulled me under if I had to give in

Such a beautiful mess that's breaking my skin

Well I'll hide all the bruises, I'll hide all the damage that's done

But I show how I'm feeling until all the feeling has gone

Well I can't explain why it's not enough

Cause I gave it all to you

And if you leave me now

Oh just leave me now

It's the better thing to do

It's time to surrender

It's too long pretending

There's no use in trying

When the pieces don't fit anymore

The pieces don't fit anymore

Oh, don't misunderstand how I feel

Cause I've tried, yes I've tried

Still I don't know why

No I don't know why

I don't know why

Why I can't explain why it's not enough

Cause I gave it all to you

And if you leave me now

Just leave me now

It's the better thing to do

It's time to surrender

It's been too long pretending

There's no use in trying

When the pieces don't fit anymore

The pieces don't fit anymore

My karma gone bad.

I'm like 'jatuh ditimpa tangga' right now. Bad things keep on happening to me all this week.Has the luck run dry on me???

First, I screwed up for my microteaching. We exceeded the 20 minutes time limit. If Erika baek hati, I'm OKlah...if not...mmg am so dead meat.Then, I have to finish off all my assignments before on the 24th, coz I'm going somewhere. Then, I decided not to go....Which means I want a refund for my plane tix or giving it to someone else. But I can't apperently as I visited Qantas HQ today.

I'm doing 2 assignments simultaneously because I HAVE to and I CANT. I probably need to burn my ticket, or bear the consequences of rushing everything and not doing a good work. I did some stupid decision in the past that haunts me recently. Needless to say, I'm in a wreck. You'd probably won't understand some of the things that I've written here because I'm typing this blog so fast that I'm not making any sense whatsoever. Face the consequence, Hezrin.

Hezrin, hezrin, kenapa tak fikir masak-masak?Kenapa bodoh sangat???Siapa yang susah sekarang?Siapa yang sakit jiwa dan kepala sekarang??

I just can't think right now. I'm numb.I don't know what am I suppose to do. I can't call my mum. She'll freak out. I can't find any solution right now. I'm so hopeless. Today, I curled up on my bed and cried. Just because I don't know what to do. I wish I'm that 5 years old girl who does not have to solve her own problems. Who has her parents to decide what is best for her. I've made a mistake. I've made some mistakes in the past.Now, I'm facing the consequence. If only,if only....if only.

If only I think about making decisions thoroughly before I do things. That doesnt sound grammatically correct right now.But I don't care.

Of evil deeds.

Hear no evil,


See no evil...



Speak no evil!

It's fasting month, avoid doing these things!
-a public service announcement of the day-

An apology, to whom it may concern.

Last night, I received a phone call.I'm not going to go into details what was the phone call was about, or who called me but let's just say that part of the conversation had forced me to write this post. To write an apology.

I'm sorry that I'm undecided.I can't make up my mind right now. It's my Achilles heel. I can't make a decision,even matters that are too trivial, let alone something huge that involves the future.

It's something that I'm not good at. If there's a part of me that I would like to change, it would be the fact that I can't make decisions.

If people ask me what I would like to eat for lunch or dinner, I'm sorry because I can't decide.
I can't decide if I want to be alone or accompanied by others sometimes.
I can't decide what I want to do in my life.
I can't decide which chocolate bar should I get whenever I'm torn between several choices in the aisle.

Yesterday, you asked me to make a MAJOR decision.
And I failed to give a definite answers.
I'm sorry, I can't right now.I need some time to think it through.More time.
And I'm truly sorry if my weakness may have cause inconvenience or pain to you.
I'm so sorry. I apologize.
I'm still learning, there's a long way to go. I need to learn how to make THE decision first.
I know it's not fair to you,
but please....give me sometime.

Mistakes.

Something that I found interesting at a gas station, while on my way from Christchurch to Queenstown in July.

Just a thought.

=)

about me.

If there was one problem that I still unable to do, it's explaining about myself in the 'about me' section, let it be friendster or facebook account. I just don't know what to write about myself.I find it hard to describe to others what kind of a person I am.I'm always having that kind of difficulty.Somehow, the word won't just appear. However, struck with boredom and also after re-evaluating myself recently, I finally managed to think of a few things about me.

About me.

I worry too much, I guess. I get worried over small things. I get worried easily, sometimes people might think that I'm over exaggerating of a small matter. But I can't help it. I try not to worry as much as I used to. I try not to take things seriously, because if I do, I might have some doubts and if it turned out to be the other way around, I'll get worried.

Other that that, I'm not much of a confrontational person. If I have issues with people, I'd rather keep it all inside. I don't really go and 'express' my dissatisfaction with the person. If I do get pissed off, I'll confront the person, but I'll get too angry about it and in the end, I'll cry. I hate confrontation also because I hate dramas. There are so many dramas unfurls everyday that I've had enough of it.I just don't want to add more dramas in my life.

I like to listen to songs in my spare time, I appreciate good songs especially those with twisted melody or meaning. I like Radiohead. I like 'em because they have songs for 'all season'. I listen to Radiohead whenever I'm down, angry or just plain happy. I'm currently have interest in other bands such as Coldplay, Incubus, The Strokes and also Queen of the Stone Age. I like John Legend too and some songs with catchy beat that are worth mentioned for.

I'm also a wanderlust. I'm happiest when I get to travel to new places.Not only I like to travel to other countries but I just can't stay still at home. I need to go out. I'm always not at home or in my room. I like to go out, see the environment around me. Even when I'm too tired or because I'm bored. Apparently, with the money that I have right now, I can't afford to go out as much as I used to......When I go out, I like to hang out with friends and usually those kind of hang out will be somewhere that will require me to eat. I don't mind sometimes honestly. I like to try different kinds of food.........

Another thing about me that I've just realized is, I don't trust people easily. And it became more apparent due to some incident that happened to me not so long ago.It's not that I don't want to trust people or skeptical of whatever that they have to say, but I take time to trust people. I wouldn't even trust to give my things to some people if I don't know them that well. I have this 'circle of trust' which consist of selected family members or friends. It's hard to trust people when you've been betrayed before.......

Sometimes, I think that I contradict myself. I may give people some good advice or give some right opinion on certain issues but I often find myself doing the opposite thing. Maybe things that I detest the most. And that really irk me sometimes, because I don't practice what I preach. I don't trust myself, then....because sometimes I might make a wrong judgment about certain things.

Gosh, I just can't continue.I've lost the words again.

That's all about me then.